There is a guy at work 2 heads taller and more muscular than me I find very strange: he seems to enjoy to either ask or tell me what he thinks about me without any filters: He either asks intrusively if everything is OK, staring at me like it’s an interrogation or blurts out loud what he thinks about my face (you look angry). It’s always when I’m preparing to do my job (checking the computer, taking notes) or when I’m working (looking for files). I’m starting to feel intimidated. I don’t talk to him but he talks to me, I don’t want to talk to him to listen what he thinks about me. Can’t he see I’m working? Doesn’t he have things to do? Or anything better than blurt out what he thinks about me?
I’m also a man, but smaller than him and I keep my opinions to myself.
Is this mobbing? Would contacting HR be of any good? Any ideas to deal with this kind of person?
This has happened twice already in 3 weeks, so you decide if this is a pattern.
Are you German? Mobbing isn’t an english word
Inb4 he’s flirting but autistic so doesn’t know how to do it without coming off as agressive /j
Less jokey tone, if he’s making you uncomfortable, have a word with him about it and say he needs to take a second to think about the way he’s saying these things, because they’re making you feel bad.
If he continues after youve spoken to him, then it’s time to talk to your manager.
If the manager is worth their salt then they’ll speak to him without making it an HR problem, but there will be a record of it happening in case it’s malicious and he doesn’t stop, which will definitely require HR involvement
Have you asked the person to stop? They might not understand what they are doing is bothering you.
Yeah, maybe he’s a bit special and just trying to connect in an awkward way.
No one can offer a classification based on one person’s description of the interaction. You should ask a trusted colleague who witnessed the behaviour.
Answer with a short curt “ok” and don’t engage. Make it clear you don’t like it first before going to HR or making a scene.
Also, make sure he isn’t doing this with everyone. Some peeps are a bit weird and you’ll come off as a dick if you make a big deal out of something which, in the end, is just a minor annoyance.
Your coworkeright be insecure and hypersensitive about your opinion of them or they may be misinterpreting your focused face for angry.
The real key is a few more examples of questions he asks you, from that we can determine if he’s an idiot, if he’s messing with you, if he’s being disrespectful, or if he’s being shady, or even if he just likes and respects you, and is struggling to win your approval.
So a little more context will help us help you, and to be fair, you will probably realize the answer for yourself by doing this.
“I’m fine; if it’s ok with you I’d rather not have these kinds of conversations”.
Have you tried telling him “sorry, but I’m busy right now”? Or simply “hey, I don’t like distractions while I’m working”…
Just say “haha nah, I’m fine, I didn’t think I was making any face in particular, maybe I’m making a face subconsciously because deep down I’d rather be doing something else.” Then as other posters have said, if he continues tell him you don’t appreciate his constant commenting on the topic and would like him to stop. If he continues from there then tell HR he’s harassing you.
What do you say when he says you look angry? its a pretty normal thing to check in with someone when thry look visually frustrated or upset.
its a pretty normal thing to check in with someone when thry look visually frustrated or upset.
This probably varies a lot by culture. Unless I’m actively interacting with that person on something, if I see someone that is angry I leave them alone. I’m not going to stick my nose in their business unless they ask for me to. They could have just found out they are getting fired, maybe their water heater broke and they don’t have the money to fix it, or maybe his aging mother just insulted his wife. None of those are my business unless that person reaches out and makes it mine.
Its just checking in and giving them a chance to rant if they want. Its fine to respond dont wanna talk about it or I can’t talk about it here.
I would agree for close friends, but that doesn’t sound like the relationship OP has with this other person. There’s personal stuff you don’t share at work for very good reason.
I don’t talk to him but he talks to me
It is weird behavior for sure. But what does it mean? There are many possibilities.
I’m starting to feel intimidated.
Do you believe he really intends to intimidate?
If yes, and only if yes, I would suggest this reaction, precisely:
When he does such talk for the first time on a day, do not react at all.
When he does such talk for the second time on a day:
Stop your work immediately
turn your head and look at him on a straight level (not up to his face yet) but don’t talk and keep a straight face
Then, slowly, look up to his face
Then move your look down to his feet
Up again
Then turn back to your workDo this only once on every day. Otherwise,do not react at all.
Do you mean mogging? If so, no this is not mogging, but also worth bringing up to HR if it is continuously bothering you
Mobbing means bullying in Germany, I don’t know if it’s being used more globally nowadays.
Same in Swedish
Bringing things up to HR are rarely helpful. They are there to support the company, not you. You may be just identifying yourself as a friction point and end up getting let go.
Whether the other’s behaviour is unjustified or not, office politics often come down to who is more well liked or valuable to the company. The only time HR works in your favour is when adressing someone’s behaviour saves the company from a harrassment lawsuit. This requires witnesses to stop a he said/he said situation.
Source: Sr Mgr for years and consulting across many orgs, public and private.
Kinda sounds like flirting. Have you let them know you’re not interested?
talk to your supervisor/manager about this and ask for their help
going to HR might be jumping a little ahead too fast
for the love of humanity. dont report him to somebody else before making an effort to communicate to the person.
Yeah people always like to jump to conclusions, but rarely does that end up being helpful.
The first thing we should always try to do is to communicate and/or get more information about a situation.
Legitimately this person might have no idea that they are making OP uncomfortable. They could just be really fucking awkward lol. It is absolutely worth politely trying to talk to them first.
If they react inappropriately, then you’ve gained more information and you will have to take additionals steps.
But don’t assume things.
With said conversation, it’s important to do it in a respectful manner. Try saying “I feel X when you Y. Would you please try not to do that around me?” Do not use blaming language. “I feel” is key.
- Provide only factual context (without emotion/subjectivity)
- Give your “I feel statement”
- Give your request
Ex:
- The other day you said “X” and “Y” as comments about my facial expression
- I feel uncomfortable when you comment on my facial expressions
- Would you please try not to make comments like that around me?
Send an email to your supervisor so it is in writing. Any time this person does it, send an update email. If that goes nowhere, email HR. Make sure you indicate the exact date/time/location, exactly what was said, why it makes you uncomfortable, and who else could have witnessed it. Paper trail with all of this information is extremely important.
This is some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard. This person posts something with barely any detail about a human interaction and your immediate thought is to literally log every interaction and report it.
I apologize for making you extremely upset, I did not realize my suggestion would make someone this incredibly angry. I based my suggestion on an experience I had in the past which started out in a seemingly harmless way but escalated over time to harassment. I had a difficult time showing how it started. I am glad, however, that you have probably not had to experience this.
why does it have to be a power struggle? good advice for winning a power struggle. but why does it have to be?
Not sure what you mean. Nothing I said is intended to be part of a power struggle. Perhaps you replied to the wrong person, or misinterpreted my suggestion.
